Whoppers

Being my offspring, my children lie a lot. This one I cannot put off onto Dearly Beloved; I am afraid that Dearly Beloved cannot lie convincingly. He is the worst liar ever born. The way to tell if he is lying is to notice that he is avoiding direct questions. He cannot stand up for one second to the Bullshit Test.* He really thinks you can tell, so you can.

And besides, he is an arrogant bastard and thinks he is above lying.

I dunno where people get he idea that children are truthful; maybe some children are. Both of mine started lying at around two years old. About the same time they started to use and get humor, the events seemed to be related.

Here's the whopper I got today. Douwe had to explain a certain kind of accident of a delicate nature this evening.

So it seems that Bassie and Adriaan** came in through the window and carried away the toilet to put in their car while they were being chased by the bad guys so they would not have to stop. If they had to stop you see, they might have to pee in a hole in the ground in the desert and then the pee would all come out whoosh bang in a geyser all the way to the sky + and then they would have to stop and clean it up so then the bad guys would get them.

But Douwe, I said, the toilet is right here.

They came back in through the roof window and put it back before you came upstairs but then it was too late.

How did they get back out?

Tinkerbell turned them all yellow and they flew away.

Of course.

*The Bullshit Test goes like this: If you think someone is lying, look them straight in the eye and say, "Oh, bullshit,". If you do not like to swear, you can always say, "pull the other one, it's got bells on" but not if you are American. Some people will fall apart immediately; others begin to protest. When they protest, say "oh, bullshit -- I mean, it's pretty good bullshit, but just bullshit,". Accomplished fabulists can get through the bullshit test. Silly people who feel guilty about lying cannot.

** Bassie and Adriaan are Dutch TV characters whom he he has seen on DVD -- Bassie is a clown and Adriaan is an acrobat and they run around the world solving crimes and hunting down bad guys and occasionally being hunted by them. He has seen them on DVD because the actor who plays Bassie died a year or so ago.

+This actually happens to the bad guy in one of the B&A films, he did not thankfully make this up.